Monday, March 14, 2011

What's that on my sleeve?

I have never been one to hide what I am feeling, but at the same, time I deal best with raw emotions by not dealing with them- if thats makes sense? If I am happy-I am bubbling all over the place and if I am mad (unfortunately) I am spitting all the place -ok, not really spitting but you know what I mean. On the flipside, if I am struggling with any kind of pain, grief, heartache of just my own personal "demons" I tend to bury them and pretend it doesn't exist. Is it healthy? Does it work? Well so far I haven't turned into a drooling crazy yet :)
At the moment I am weary. I looked that word up and Webster defines weary as : having one's patience, tolerance, or pleasure exhausted. and I couldn't have said it any better. Yes, my patience is exhausted. Tolerance is exhausted and the things that once made me smile are exhausted because I am exhausted!! I am beat down from the battle that rages inside and out. Suppressing things for a long time start to wreak havoc in the heart, but it's all I know. It's all I have ever known to deal with life's lemons. "Doctors" call it denial. I call it survival.

A friend once told me to "fake it till you make it" and as I thought about that and how I wished I had that part figured out it and could do that, it dawned on me... I do fake it, because although I may wear something on my sleeve other than rainbows and butterflies, people have no clue what's really going on. Why? Because I totally fake it! So where I have deemed myself a failure in that area before, I can now recant and scream 'success' cause I betcha wouldn't have known if I hadn't told ya! ;)
Anyway Scott likes to tell me to "build a bridge". I have, but sometimes I think my bridge is falling down.

1 comment:

Tori said...

I was just talking about you to Amanda. Telling her how you guys are real missionaries and you're gonna make it. I know you guys are, I'm so excited you came to Croatia.

BTW, that friend who said to Fake it till you make it, was OH SO WISE!!!

None of us are perfect and at best most of us are a wreck inside. Hey He came to heal the sick not the healthy.
I think you're pretty normal for the most part! :0)
You just have a really big heart so you are touched by life deeply.
That's a good thing, many of us can't even feel our hearts any more.
Hang in there girlly, it'll all pass and rainbows will be out again and you'll be feeling fine again.
Love ya and praying for ya too!!!