I have never been one to hide what I am feeling, but at the same, time I deal best with raw emotions by not dealing with them- if thats makes sense? If I am happy-I am bubbling all over the place and if I am mad (unfortunately) I am spitting all the place -ok, not really spitting but you know what I mean. On the flipside, if I am struggling with any kind of pain, grief, heartache of just my own personal "demons" I tend to bury them and pretend it doesn't exist. Is it healthy? Does it work? Well so far I haven't turned into a drooling crazy yet :)
At the moment I am weary. I looked that word up and Webster defines weary as : having one's patience, tolerance, or pleasure exhausted. and I couldn't have said it any better. Yes, my patience is exhausted. Tolerance is exhausted and the things that once made me smile are exhausted because I am exhausted!! I am beat down from the battle that rages inside and out. Suppressing things for a long time start to wreak havoc in the heart, but it's all I know. It's all I have ever known to deal with life's lemons. "Doctors" call it denial. I call it survival.
A friend once told me to "fake it till you make it" and as I thought about that and how I wished I had that part figured out it and could do that, it dawned on me... I do fake it, because although I may wear something on my sleeve other than rainbows and butterflies, people have no clue what's really going on. Why? Because I totally fake it! So where I have deemed myself a failure in that area before, I can now recant and scream 'success' cause I betcha wouldn't have known if I hadn't told ya! ;)
Anyway Scott likes to tell me to "build a bridge". I have, but sometimes I think my bridge is falling down.