Friday, April 29, 2011

Ya know what I'm saying?

There is a major revolution happening within me. From how I think- to how I act and everything in between. Some things I will share with you and others I will just keep to myself.

Most of my teenage and adult life I have battled depression. I know some people do not think this is a real thing, but I am here to tell you it is! And despite what some may say or think, it does not indicate your relationship with God. I say that because there have been times when I was so depressed and all I felt like I did was read my Bible and pray. Then there have been times where I have felt "great", but I was neglecting my prayer life and quiet time. If depression and/or happiness was the direct result of neglect or not, then I would think something was backwards. Or perhaps people are sometimes wrong! Anyway I said all that to say this. I firmly believe depression is real and IF you let it control you, then you become a slave to it. I do not think it is sin, per se, to be depressed, however, living in a constant state of depression and defeat can lead to sin. Maybe physically. There have been times when I drowned my sorrow in a bottle of vodka (not any time in the last several years so you can breathe now! )You know what ....depression was still there the next day and then I was living in sin to top it off, and even more miserable ! Maybe in your heart. There has been times when depression led to discontentment and apathy and the result was a stone cold heart that didn't love anyone, including myself. Now what does that have to do with now?? I feel when I have depression coming on. I feel it in my body, I feel it in my spirit and in my heart. As much as I have tried to stop it before it always take hold of me. Then after a small period of time, I bounce back and do fine for a few days/weeks/months before the vicious cycle starts again. As I felt it coming on again very recently I literally talked myself out of it. Not real sure if this is what worked, but I'll take it! I know I am stronger than that and more so my God is stronger than that. Does that mean I will never fall into depression again?? Probably not, but this time I didn't and for that I feel victorious. I am seeing things different in my life. Most good, some not so good...but I am working on it. I am letting God work on it.
I realized people ARE going to disappoint me and aren't always going to be real, but I know I don't want to be the person that deliberately disappoints God first, others second and yes, myself last. I do know that I can not please everyone all the time, but I am going to do my best to be my best in everything...including this language that I think I will never learn!
I know people are not always going to do and be what I think they should, but it's not up to me. It can be easy to cast judgement on a situation or a person, when I have NO idea what's really happening. I have met a lot of judgmental people in my life and I don't ever want to be classified as that. Ever.
I know things are not always going to go as I planned, but it's not my plan I should be living anyway! It's His! And I also realized if if I would have realized these things a lot sooner I would have saved my self much anguish! Touche for learning!
I also realized slow and steady wins the race. I have always fell into the trap of an all or nothing attitude. With everything. I would either diet so strict that I was sick. Or forget the diet and eat 10 Krispy Kremes ok not 10....maybe only 9 :) I would set out to read my Bible in a month and when I failed, I wouldn't pick it up for a week. Forget cleaning only 1 or 2 rooms. Either I did nothing or cleaned the whole house like a mad woman...usually the latter. You know what, life is messy and it's ok if my house is at times. Scott might not always agree with this, but there are just some things that are not detrimental if it isn't done. I have let the laundry pile up some, but I promise my husband has never had to wear dirty underwear. I feel like living on the edge so I don't make the bed sometimes and you know what else? I leave the empty toilet paper rolls on the floor of the bathroom that no-one else wants to pick up because I don't feel like picking them up either! And if you know my husband these are all big NO-NOs. But things are changing and just like the water rolling off the ducks (or swans) back. These are the things that are rolling off my back. Unnecessary stresses and battles...I am just not into anymore. Now before you get the wrong idea. I do respect my husband and his wishes, however, we agreed that maybe things don't have to be so extreme. I have had clothes piled up in my room for almost 2 weeks now and I giggle to myself when I see them. Not because of rebellion. Honest. Just because they are still sitting there 2 WEEKS LATER. Yes!! This is a huge deal!
Anyway I spend alot of time reflecting on who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. God has His work cut out for Him, that's for sure! As long as I am faithful, obedient and willing to let Him have His way then I know the blessings will come and there is nothing I can do in of myself.
These little things that are changing in me and a small stepping stone to greater things. I am yielded for whatever lies ahead with a broom in one hand!

Weigh Day tomorrow! Skeptical, but hopeful!

2 comments:

Kristina said...

Traci,

I don't know about the depression you struggle with, but I'm glad you didn't let it win this time. (:
God is doing and is going to do GREAT THINGS through your family here in Croatia!!
I told Ljubica we were studying our vocabulary on our walks and she was very pleased. She told us that you were doing really good in language.
Yay for not stressing over the house. When I stress over mine, everyone gets neglected and there is alot of whining. I have realized there will always be housework waiting on me.... that's just life. Although, I would really rather my house be perfect.;o)

Tori said...

Wow, my little butterfly is emerging from her cocoon, and look how lovely you are!!!
Well it seems you are doing a lot of finding yourself lately. I'm just glad you are happy and I hope it never goes away.
Great post, very though provoking.
Love ya!