It seems like not that long ago I was a mom for the first time and here today I was college dorm shopping with my little bundle of joy and I was so over come with sadness.... I warned ya :)
I think back to myself being a child and all the memories I have. Summer vacations, family BBQs, weekend at grammas, etc. and the thought that Matthew's "childhood" and all his childhood memory making is essentially over. He starts a new chapter in life and he is so ready to launch forward and here I am wanting to clutch onto his pant legs and scream don't go! Stay here! I know this is not reality, and I know this is part of life, but as the days tick by I find myself getting more and more anxious, and my stress level is off the charts. Our whole family is about to change and although it is inevitable I am continually having to stop and put myself in check.
Times like this I just want my mom. After 10 years you would think the ache would subside but it hasn't . I want to hear her reassuring voice and see her contagious smile. I want her to see what a great young man Matthew has become. I want her see my life and where The Lord has brought us. I want to go on summer vacations with her and have family BBQs and even send the kids over to spend the weekend at their grammas. My children don't have those memories with her. Trinity doesn't even remember her. How sad to me. Growing up family was so important to us, extended family included. I knew and had close relationships with all my grandparents, aunts and cousins. If we had nothing else, we had each other and a bunch of happy memories to cherish and I am thankful for that.
It's hard to think that Matthew will be making all new memories without us. Life will go on, but for the time being it sure does stink.
If this post seems a bit ADHD, its because that's how my state of mind is at present. My thoughts are all over the place and my emotions are getting the best of me. Please pray for our family in the coming weeks. Many changes are coming as we say see ya later to our first born, start a new school curriculum, and prepare to head back to Croatia and move to a completely new area. I sure could use an extra heap of grace!