Thursday, May 19, 2011

Cobwebs in my heart

Just like dark neglected corners of the room where cobwebs form and dust bunnies collect, there a dark corners of my heart that I have neglected. The reason being is, it is painful. As I have mentioned before I like to "sweep things under the rug" and pretend nothings there. Have you ever stepped on something under a throw rug such as a pen or a pebble or in my house a balled-up sock? How many times can you step on it before you bend down and lift the rug and remove the object(s) that obviously don't belong there? Raw emotion and I- do.not.agree. If you know the slightest thing about me, you know that vulnerability is a curse word to this heart. I have a lot of trauma drama buried from my past. Things that I have personally experienced that changed me. Results of sinful living that can only be described as haunting. Nightmares that have been been locked in a corner of my mind and the key thrown into the deepest gulf. I always figured- it happened. its gone. its buried, forget it. As I am learning that may not be the best solution. I think in order to "heal" certain things need to be dealt with on your own terms. Except my terms have always been to file it under "Confidential-Cold Case" and leave it there. Fact is, I am not real sure how to cope any other way.
Let me just say I am not one of these people that blame their childhood for the basketcase they are today. In fact, most of my childhood was pretty happy. I did come from a broken home , but both parents remarried and I kinda was a spoiled brat. I was the epitome of the all-American girl and didn't really want for much - materially. So, no, I wasn't locked in a closet or abused in anyway.
My teenage and young adult years are another story and where almost all of my heartache and pain come from. It doesn't matter what the skeletons in my closet are or the long list of how many secrets I have buried. What they are isn't the issue (at least I don't think so?). The issue is to successfully deal with the pent-up emotion and let it go. Once and for all. In my bottled suppressed memories I have all the emotions that a person can feel. Sadness dominates, followed by fear, anger, bitterness, vengeance, hate, shame, disappointment, remorse and being choked to near death is some happiness as well.
I don't dwell on any one thing or woe is me that this or that happened. That's life. It hurts sometimes and sometimes it's just down-right cruel, but it is what it is. Life goes on. I don't think it affects my everyday least I hope not. But there are instances when I come face to face and am reminded of a situation and when the tears start to fall, I really think the world needs another ark, because I feel as though they may never stop. This is what I want to change. This is what I hope to change.
Just about everything, I have taken to the Lord. I have literally BEGGED God to remove some of those memories from me, but He hasn't. I started to think maybe there is something deeper to learn from the pain. I can't imagine what it could be but there has to be a reason, doesn't there??

When I was little my mom had this big feather duster. It had like real feathers that were brown and was fluffy and she carried that thing through the house dusting everything. When I grew up and had to buy cleaning supplies for my own house, one of the first things I bought was one of those real feather- feather dusters. It didn't take me long to realize I hated the thing. For one- it just knocked the dust around... only making the area you just dusted look clean, until the floating particles settled nicely on the surface again. And for two- some of that dust clung to those feathers so unless you took it outside and beat it against the side of the house you were completely defeating the purpose of your effort to dust. It was nice to have on hand for a quick fix, but if you really wanted your area to look and smell clean for more than a few minutes, everyone knows you got to pull out the Pledge and the dust rag and put a little effort into it! I think I have been using the feather duster full of dust to try to clean up the cobwebs in my heart. I have just been stirring up the dust and moving it around for a time, but then it settles right back into the same place looking like no-one has dusted in a month or two. I know there is a reason I must deal with my issues... there has to be. I am just trying to learn how.


Tori said...

That was a very good and touching post Traci. It sounds like you know your problem you just need to deal with it. I'll be praying, you know when a volcano goes off it's because the lava has built up way too long and it just can't contain it any more. Well the same is true with us. Maybe you need to deal with your "issues" before they become to many and you can't hold them any more.
I'm praying for ya girl!

BTW, Demera, from Worth said to say Hi.

Oh yea and I looked at your Christmas in Croatia blog and I didn't know you had photos on there. I loved seeing all those photos. Wish we could have been there for it but this year we will be. We even have people filling shoe boxes. YEA!

I wanted to call you several times this week but I keep remembering too late. Now I know why no one ever called me when I was there. HA!
Anyhow, love ya!!

Anonymous said...

This is a very good post and it sounds like you know what you need to do, so will pray that you can successfully "fix" the problem area!

You have a way with words that I wish I had, everything I say or write seems to fall flat as a pancake!!!! ha There are things in my life that I have 'swept under the rug' and know that is not the solution to the problem and am working on them also. Take comfort in knowing that you are not the only one out there that has problem areas. We are all imperfect people living in an imperfect world, now we just need to let go and let God deal with the issues. Take care, sweet lady and may God bless you today and always.