Saturday, March 30, 2013


part 1

How can I even begin to gather my thoughts when it comes to the inevitable death of someone so close to me?
How can I learn to live life without the cheery phone calls on a daily basis?
How can I get over the guilt of the missed opportunities to convey my love and gratefulness to a person who knew me better than I know myself?
How can I ever visit "home" and not feel the massive void in my time that someone took so much of?
How can I say goodbye to someone who knows every detail about my life-past and present -and every dark secret that are off limits and hidden in the dusty corners of my mind and loves me just the same???

Stacy was my best friend since I was 14 years old. The first time we met, a serious chick fight almost went down and the remainder of the night was spent glaring at one another. The very next day we were inseparable and so began the tales of Traci and Stacy. I am not going to share many of them because taking a trip down memory lane does more harm than good to me. Remember I deal best with things by not dealing with them? I thought I would out grow that by now, but I haven't. Maybe as time goes on and pain begins to fade, I may share a funny story or two- but not now.

Boyfriends came and gone. Girlfriends came and gone. Tragedies came and gone. Police came and gone. Bruises came and gone. Bad times, good times, dark times and bright times all came and gone. Eventually babies came and stayed and being separated by more than 10 minute drive was the new norm. Through it all she was there. Always there with a balled up fist ready to take on the world for me... And quite a few times she did. Together we could conquer anything and anyone and she was the constant in my life when everything and everyone crumbled and left me broken and destroyed. She swept up the pieces more times than I care to admit. She prevented me from making decisions in my life that would have had catastrophic consequences. She would spin scenarios to help me see circumstances in a different light. She literally smacked sense into me when I was irrational. She cried with me and for me. She laughed with me and at me. She fought with me and for me. And although we had hardly anything in common- we were as close as two people could be.

As we grew up our lives went different directions. And within time the tables turned and tragedy came into her life. She was in a diving accident and paralyzed from the neck down. I became her constant. I cried for her and with her. I swept up the pieces more times than I can count. And I was the one encouraging her and helping her see life in a different light. I was now the rock she so desperately needed in an unfamiliar, devastating new life. We were as opposite as opposite could be yet were forever stitched at the heart. My mind can not even grasp the fact she is really gone....

About 16 years old

Taken on our last shopping trip together

Our very last picture...the last time I saw her.


Tori said...

Such a sad thing. You know what they say though, it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. You were lucky to have her as long as you did.
Hang in there!

Melissa said...

xoxoxoxo (((Hugs))