There once was a time I would break things when I felt I needed to let out whatever frustrations or emotions that are built up inside- just grab a plate and scream as I threw it at the ground or the wall. Sit for a minute and picture that. What a ridiculous thing to do, cause now are you not only minus a plate, but you have a huge mess to clean up also. There was something about listening to the glass shatter that somehow calmed me down. haha
Well I no longer fling things like some crazed lunatic, but I am tempted to stand outside and just scream at the top of my lungs. (Yes, I do realize I need an alternative outlet.) I don't know how to not bottle things up. Every emotion I feel is suppressed. I don't like to think about the sad things in my life cause when I do it opens the flood gate of tears to everything else held in. I can't let my anger out because then I will surely do or say something I'd later regret. Even when I am happy I am reluctant to feel that because I know it only lasts for a short while. I am even afraid to love with all my heart because I am expecting it to get broken so to save me the pain I hold back. It's a sickness, I know :)
More often that not I am overcome with disappointment- especially in myself- almost always in myself. There are so many areas of my life that I wish were better. There is so much room for improvement- as a wife. As a mother. As a Christian. As a missionary.
I am struggling with purpose in my life. This is so frustrating and scream-worthy! I know my greatest purpose is to raise my children and be the best helpmeet for my husband, but I admit sometimes there's a part of me inside screaming for more. I feel like I am at a standstill- stuck while time passes by and I feel helpless and worthless. I have so many ideas for outreaches for ladies (and kids) but I am stopped cold because of the enormous language barrier. It really stinks that I can't just walk up to someone and start a conversation. I see young mothers and I just want to reach out and try to be a friend. I see little old ladies walking down the street with groceries in one hand and a cane in the other and I want to run up to to them and carry their bags home and talk to them along the way. I see teenage girls on a collision with disaster and I literally want to shake sense into them. I see little kids who have never known the love of Christ and I want to scoop them up and tell them all about Jesus. I see. I see. I see. and there isn't much I can do right now and it is so frustrating that I just want to scream. I don't know why I can't speak this language yet and my kids can. I don't know why I have no clue what people are saying to me and I know I should. I don't know why God put me somewhere where I have absolutely no purpose outside my home. I don't know why I let these things bother me. I don't know if I will ever be effective. I don't know!!
I do know that God doesn't make mistakes. I do know that He has a purpose for my life. I do know in His time everything will be make sense. I do know that I may be crazy-(er) by then :)
Anyway, its been one of those weeks that if I was still on a breaking binge- we would have nothing to eat off of. I am thankful that isn't me anymore, but a few meltdowns were indeed in the forecast. I think its just alot of emotions on a vast array of issues that's got me semi-looney for the time being. School is starting next week, my diet is in full swing (and doing wonderful, I might add ), we are expecting another visitor for 10 days and it has been pretty warm. However on a brighter note- my schoolroom is just about done, our BL challenge is almost over and the heat should break for good any day now.
It is September and September usually makes me happy. Yay for changing leaves, cooler days, crisp nights and a new season and all things apple!